Getting Started Again

Today is the first day of "solar autumn," being the first day after the equinox. However, here in the Bay Area, this is our warmest time of year, and today is really showing off the heat, blue skies and stillness. Commonly-windy Richmond is feeling rather like Sacramento, where I grew up, and feeling the heat soak into my skin is pleasantly nostalgic.

I spent time this morning outside: first, in the backyard, tending to the chickens and garden, then in the park with my friend, hula-hooping and talking. Then, I hitched my trailer up to my bike and headed to El Granero to pick up chicken feed, but since they only take cash, I first did a short side quest to San Pablo Town Center to the bank. Towing my bike trailer is awkward, and my bike is set up in such a way that if I'm hauling much or heading uphill and have to stop, it's sometimes impossible for me to get enough momentum to push myself up onto my seat quickly enough to push down on the other pedal to keep moving forward, so I end up pushing off the ground with my left foot for awhile until I can get going fast enough to get up and ride. Probably a bike physicist could tell me what to do to improve this situation. Nonetheless, I had no mishaps or near misses on today's adventure, and I got my 50 pound bag of chicken feed home to the chooks.

I'm starting this new blog to propel myself back in to a more frequent writing practice, and to share that writing immediately rather than letting "better" get in the way of "done." I was just tempted to spend more time working on the layout, figuring out how to get pictures I want in the background, perfecting the description of the blog, etc. But instead I am writing with no plan, just to get the first post done and posted.

A few years ago I read a book about ADHD that had a slightly different take than most of the other books on ADHD that I have read over the years. I don't remember the title, but I do remember that one of the authors had worked at Kaiser Oakland for some period of time. The different angle that these authors took was to describe the common challenge for people with ADHD as being unable to start and stop activities appropriately. You may be familiar with the idea of hyperfocus, which some people with ADHD see as a superpower; one can also see it as an inability to stop when it's time to stop. Similarly, there's the often-lamented challenge with procrastination, which can be seen as a failure to start when it's time to start. Distraction in the middle of a task is both a failure to keep going (an inappropriately timed stopping) and an inappropriate starting of something else.

Whether I have ADHD or not (a debate for another post), I have found myself taking note of the times when I have trouble with starting or stopping. I recently re-read the description of my MBTI personality type (ENFP), and found some insight there: " The thrill of a new project – especially one that involves collaborating with other people – can bring out the best in these personalities. But ENFPs are known for having ever-evolving interests, meaning that they may find it challenging to maintain discipline and focus over the long term." I have also been trying to learn from the Enneagram type descriptors, and understanding that my #1 type means that I am always trying to do the right thing, which can be paralyzing since my imagination allows me to see a goal that is well beyond my reach. (I also spend a lot of time thinking about what the right and best thing is for each situation.) Even when I don't have a clear vision of what I'm aiming for (like in writing a blog post), I have a strong yearning to do things as well as I can, to do things as well as they can be done, to be really really good at whatever I do. And this space between what I can do *now* and what could be better if only I took more time to think, to plan, to research (and sometimes the "if only" is "if only someone else more skilled than I am did it"), this space between "done" and "better" is like me kicking along the side of my bike, deciding to walk instead of trying to mount and pedal.

But here I am, writing without planning. Posting without revision (will I really? that remains to be seen), kicking along the ground with my left leg, hands on the handlebars, gathering enough momentum to get my butt up on the bike seat so I can RIDE (and write) again!